Phone👏🏼bad👏🏼

He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"

(That’s it. That’s the joke)

She was just pulling my leg.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 ​ Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. ​ Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" ​ Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" ​ Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. ​ Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" ​ John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." ​ Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" ​ Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." ​ Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" ​ John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." ​ Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." ​ After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. ​ Jim Bob "What are these things for?" ​ Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." ​ They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. ​ About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… ​ Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" ​ John Boy "No." ​ Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" ​ Thank again for cheering me up 🙂

Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger

To get to the other side.

Address

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

"Nice Jimmy Choo."

Starbucks

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a…” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dildo,’” the old man said. “The voodoo dildo?” the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dildo, the door.” The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dildo, box!” The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing her. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

Pee poop pee poop.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

Typo

Must be some kind of milestone…

When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine

Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"

Because they have their own scales.

Usain bolt can finish a race

You guys probably never heard of herbivore

I searched with him

It's on the house

… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.

ernie: "sherbert"

7 up in cider.

Solo that no one will hear me

Now I’m clean.

Because you can't see in the dark.

His trial is expected to last forever

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

Hunter.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.