While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
(The punchline was removed from the universe)
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
Because you can't see in the dark.
A dictatorship =3
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Good players are hard to find.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
Religion brought them together.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)