Phone bad
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.
Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats