Phone bad
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.