Phone bad
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
Headache & testicles
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need… A new Suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see… size 44 would fit fine. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see….. size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
