phone bad
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Otherwise
No text found
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
Freudian Slip:
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Did you hear about the janitor who quit drinking?
He cleaned up his act
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!