Phone bad. Bible good.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
a fallen soldier
a fallen soldier
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I’m looking for a turn-off.”
I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.