Phone Bad Haha
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
No text found
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.