Phone bad mom alone
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Have you heard of atheism?
It’s a non-prophet organization
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
What do you call a man who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor.
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
