Phone bad. Son stupid. (By webdonuts on Instagram)
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.
Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to feed a family. "Would you look at the size of that Fucker!" he exclaims, startling the second priest. "Hey, you can't talk like that; you're a man of the cloth. I'm a man of the cloth!" Says the second priest, scandalised. The first priest raises his hands in a calming gesture "It's ok my good fellow, that's the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." After breathing a sigh of relief, the second priest is able to appreciate the fish a bit more. "Why don't we cook it for our dinner with the His Holiness the Pope tonight" he says. The first priest agrees, and they go their separate ways, the first priest to return their boat and the second to deliver the fish into the Vatican. Priest number two lobs up at the convent and knocks at the door, a sister answers and he proudly shows her the fish. "Could the mother superior cook this Fucker for our dinner with His Holiness the Pope?" He asks. Scandalising the poor sister. "You can't talk like that!" she says "You're a man of the cloth. I'm a woman of the cloth". "Fret not, dear sister" the priest says "that is the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." Mollified the nun agrees to prepare the fish for the mother superior to cook. She scales and guts the fish and then calls on the mother superior. "Mother, I have prepared this Fucker so that you may cook it for our dinner tonight with His Holiness the Pope". Mum superior nearly has a heart attack. "My child" she shrieks "We are women of the cloth. You cannot use such language!" The nun placates the mother by explaining that the fish is an Italian Fucker Fish. And, so assured, she agrees to cook the fish for their dinner with His Holiness. Later that night both Priests, the Nun and the Mother Superior are at dinner with His Holiness the Pope. They remove the silver cover from their meal and serve the fish. The Pope takes a few bites and a sip of wine and states "This fish is fantastic, practically divine" "I caught the Fucker." Says the first priest. "Well I brought the Fucker into the city." Says the second. "I scaled and gutted the Fucker." Says the nun. "And I cooked the Fucker." Says the mother superior. His Holiness takes a look around the table, takes another sip of his wine and says "You know what? You cunts are alright!"
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says âEthan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christianâ! âThatâs odd…â His friend said, âI sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian tooâ! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. âRabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christianâ! âThatâs odd…â the Rabbi said âI sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian tooâ! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, âOh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christianâ! As they were kneeling, God said, âThatâs odd…â Edit: a word
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
Floppy Disks are like Jesus
They died to become the icon of saving
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes đ
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… Iâve got a few twix up my sleeve.
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
Heâs good at saving
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxerâs kid.
She got sick of me.
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
My friend says heâs a compulsive liar…
I donât believe him.
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, âSir, would you care for a drink?â
I asked her, âwhat are my options?â She said, âyes or no.â
I wouldnât say itâs easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But itâs not hard.
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
