Phone bad when driving
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
She didn’t even know I existed…
You're too young to smoke.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
I'm dreading it…
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Because it was two-tired
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
It has a lot time to reflect.
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
Because he was too far out man
So then when one dies I'll still have two
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
Don’t look while I’m changing!
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
Their words, not mine.
…always go for the juggler…