Phone bad when driving
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
![[OC] I’m so sorry](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/wi5qdkkwvuv21-400x331.jpg)
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
