People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
But China got it right off the bat.
A Rain Bow tie.
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
Me: Shit! One escaped?
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
They just gave me a cold shoulder
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
It causes me to start coffin.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
I never got a straight answer.
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
It really means a lot to them.
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
What a weird thing to lye about
it was two-tired
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
Make America grate again!
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
In little knotsies
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.