Phone replaces mom and dad
The tough CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas…
… she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.