phone troubles.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
No text found
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?
In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day. The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?" The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!" The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! " The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
