PhOnES aRe BaD
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.