Photographic evidence of Obama shaking hands with a Russian asset
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
So I wanted to ask this cross-eyed girl out
She said "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else"
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now? Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife. Cop: Then why are you reporting it now? Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
– A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this bollocks?
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
A girl goes to a Chruch to confess
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
I just quit my job at the Helium plant
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.