Phones bad 😂
Trump is a weak man’s idea of a strong man.
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Vote for Axe in 2020!
only true graph
FAKE WIFE WITH FAKE BOOBS
Doing the world a favor just to own the libs
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
Requires understanding of chemistry
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
There’s so many things to do with $1000.
Just doing some Esperanto lessons…
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
A funny title
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
From New York with Love
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
A small step but a step at last
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
Graphic design is my passion
it do be like dat
Sad But True
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
Damn bro. das deep.
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
One of my better comebacks.
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
Credit for original goes to u/SuperYan147
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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When you’re asked to make the website feel like a native application.
Don‘t be like Trumpet!
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
What was I thinking?
Born on third base, thinks he got a triple
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
Cats always know who doesn’t like them lol…
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Ohh yes, I stored the value in ohdsifb variable. My bad.
Why is his D so small??
Intelligence was never an option
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
Here’s a real knee-slapper
Typing in Morse code by opening and closing my laptop lid
When I find comments from my first year.
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
How many projects you are working on?
Water you thinking about?
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Felt like this belonged here.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.