How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
Why are snow cones never sold with lemon flavor?
Well, you should know.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.