Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it.
I’m easily suede.
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
The waiter had a spoon in his pocket
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
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“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
https://ift.tt/348hPT8
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat