Picking up a lotta boomer energy here
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?
Hela Fast.
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
What was the tallest mountain in the world until Mount Everest was discovered?
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
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I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
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My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe. Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.