Pickle Me Elmo
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..
That's when I had to put my foot down.
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…
And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I once played the triangle in a reggae band but I left
It was just one ting after another
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
Dad – “Nice shirt, is that felt?”
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless