[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Wife hates husband, likes cat (sorry for the bad editing, had to translate improfessionally)
https://ift.tt/33B5PJY
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
https://ift.tt/2Vi1kCo
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
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What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."