Piglet gets it.
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends his picture to his birth mother, who upon receiving it tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. His husbands responds,"They are twins, if you have seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
https://ift.tt/2VlQcmK
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
A Cairo-practor
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.