pikachu :)
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
