Pilot in DISTRESS gives FINAL words.
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.
He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"
If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don’t
It's a trap.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
You can do better
You can do better
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends. But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived Date: 21 February 2018 I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Guy named Eddie walks into the men’s room at a bar.
As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?" "What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does. "I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here." Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper. Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself. Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?" "Please, man, I don't have any other options here." Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him. As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask … What the hell is the deal with your dick?! "Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.