pin it on the dopamine
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
No text found
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?