pin it on the dopamine
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus….
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
My son told me he was cold
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
