pin it on the dopamine
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Iowa Caucus Goers: Prove you caucused and get a cool flair!
Being able to decide who represents each party’s ticket is only part of what makes primaries and caucuses so important to participate in. Sure, you can voice your opinion online easier, but standing up and voting has the ability to make an actual impact in our democracy.To help recognize those who have done their duty and stood up to make their voices heard, we’re awarding user flairs to people who have caucused and voted during the primaries. To help alleviate our workload, we’re doing this in sections. Currently, we’re only giving users flair if they are Iowans who have caucused tonight.IOWANS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU CAUCUSED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A little old lady…
…was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.