Pink Floyd
As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy
I’m galactose intolerant
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
What was the tallest mountain in the world until Mount Everest was discovered?
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
French people don’t masturbate
They jacques off
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
Unremarkable
Unremarkable
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.