Pink Panther’s to do list
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Remains to be seen
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
