Placeholder string strikes again; can you tell they are still testing?
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
