Placeholder string strikes again; can you tell they are still testing?
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
Hookers don’t fart
They let out little prosti-toots
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
