Plague Day!
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airline…
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
