My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
She came to her senses!
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
Bad joke. Only three stars.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
Its just something I could see myself doing
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
It ended my Korea.
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
She knew how to carry The One
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
A four chin teller
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
Restaurant in peace.
… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.
You're a multicellular organism.
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
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Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
It’s not hard
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Ahhh, it takes me back.