Plan C
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in peace.
Was in the pub with a mate last week…
… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.
If you have more than one cellphone,
You're a multicellular organism.
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
