Play a game
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter….
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then starts to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio isn't even turned on. The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence. "Hey, ma-" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks. "Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet." "What did you do before this?" "I drove a hearse."
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Is that a bacon tree I see?
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says……… "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? " "Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush…."
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".