I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this
Corporations are People
I love Stackoverflow
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
Damn [credit to u/cosmobhoi]
Ok I know it’s stupid
When you first discover that in Python a function can return multiple values
that is not an anti-pattern, what are you talking about?
In case somebody threatens you…
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
…and besides, cold blooded reptilians are immune to the rona
Dog flavoured boomer memes 👌👌
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
phone bad talk good
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
Next level AI
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
My kind of lady
kid good, man bad
No pointy-headed lib ‘expert’ is gonna tell *me* to say inside.
Experts in computer programming
How to explain phase changes
For real though
Github level 100
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
Ding ding ding!, 38% of Americans
Imagine how much more advanced we’d be if we hadn’t lost all that code…
Music is beautiful.
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
I only serve the reaction
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
The ultimate answer..
Is this true, friends?
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
Then we shall fight Global Warming in the Shade
Probably been done before
HAHA REDDIT 100 BRUH
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Pretty much the textbook definition of cliche “boomer humor”
What do you call a sad coffee??
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.