Please dont kill me guys, it’s a joke
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Saying “have a nice day” to someone, sounds friendly
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two