Please dont kill me guys, it’s a joke
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
