Please don’t unfollow me๐๐ I need to feed my children๐๐
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
Iโm taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
Iโm planning to get down with the kids.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he โfellโ
First woman on the moon:
โHouston, we have a problem.โ What? โNever mindโ Whatโs the problem? โNothingโ Please tell us? โYou know what the problem is.โ
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. โWow, this bed is big!โ โEverything is big in Texas,โ says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. โWow these drinks are big!โ The bartender replies, โEverything is big in Texas.โ After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. โSecond door to the right,โ says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, โDonโt flush, donโt flush!โ
“To be and not to be”
โSchrรถdinger's Hamlet
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried aboutโฆ
โฆthe alpaca lips?
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No itโs not
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!