Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, βI canβt believe I just blew 20 bucks.β
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, Iβm sure heβll grow up to be a great dad π)
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
Iβm a faux pa
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
My grandpaβs last words before he died was βPints! Gallons! Litres!β
That spoke volumes.
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldnβt touch.
The *For Biden* files.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, βSorry about that. Iβm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.β
The young guy says, βThatβs okay. Itβs a coincidence. Iβm looking for my wife, too. I canβt find her and Iβm getting a bit anxious.β The old guy says, βWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, βShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and sheβs wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?β The old guy says, βDoesn't matter, letβs look for yours.β
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
Iβd be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
I donβt always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.