Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.