please lower your levels
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store…
…so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!". The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”