Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
I couldn’t think of a basic joke.
Then I had an OH moment.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
No text found
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,