The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
It was a little drum attic.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle. They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man. After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow." The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow's back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle. Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air. When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster. After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, "You…you saved our lives." "Were you on a cruise?" she asked. "Yes," said the man. "So was I," said the woman. "When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn't long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here." "You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you." The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. "Anything?" he asked. "Oh, yes!" said the woman. "In that case," said the man, "would you take my dog here for a walk?"
A waist of time.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
Are their children called ice cubes?
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
Me: May divorce be with you
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
You get repossessed.
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
A four-chin teller.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
(Edit: no, you won’t)
…end up with 'emit'.
It was abominable!
But I prefer sitting
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets