please shut the fuck up
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!