Please tell me you get it
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
A tad dark for this subreddit, but alas. Why is gun control even a partisan issue anymore?
https://ift.tt/2sVtveZ
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.