Please tell me you get it
Because he was on quack
They're always looking for people.
and name it ElonGates.
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Remains to be seen.
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
But I called her Bluff.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ….. Now give me back my dog.
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
I don't want to comb placate things.
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
But, I just didn't have the patients…
Now I call him Dav.
that's the spirit.
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
The king and queen of clubs.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
It scares the shit out the dog.
The deep friar
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
Those dudes are royal AF