plz no
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
No text found
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?