Poetry class didn’t appreciate my attempt at being punny
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Football
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, “What the f… are you doing?” The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck