Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
![Private healthcare ad [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/FKWBfuk-400x400.jpg)
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”
It all.
The title says it all.
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
