Police are on the lookout for a man going into craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them