Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much." The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back