Political puns
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
Mod Apps and Memeless Mondays
Hey everyone,A lot to cover in this post, but first of all, just wanted to note that the People’s Choice Winner of the Hackathon was voted to be selfCAPTCHA (/u/selfCAPTCHA), so congratulations to its author. We’ll be hosting the next Hackathon sometime next summer.With that aside, we’re finally ready to implement a big rule change that should hopefully improve the content quality of the subreddit. Every Monday, starting November 18th, will now be declared a Memeless Monday. This means:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.We’ll be pinning reminders every Monday to ensure nobody is left in the dark about the rule change. If we find that this isn’t increasing subreddit quality at all (at least for a short period of the week), we’ll either modify or abandon the change. If you have any feedback which you feel will make Memeless Mondays more effective, please do leave it below.Due to user feedback, we won’t be moving the subreddit to approval only (which was probably entirely unrealistic in the first place).Now, mod applications – like programming? Hate memes? Did the previous paragraph give you a burning desire to routinely exterminate them every Monday? Do you use Arch? We’ve got a position for you. We’re looking for a few active, passionate (as if) moderators preferably in the Eastern Hemisphere (if you’re not, still feel free to apply). Previous experience is always good but being reasonable, active on Reddit and knowing some programming is even better. Apply here.Thanks for reading. Now go and make some relevant, high quality, funny jokes or we’ll just end up automating the entire subreddit, it would be a lot less work on our side.
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
https://ift.tt/2OsA7YW
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm