Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.
Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
Why couldnβt the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer π
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Whereβd the Van Gogh?
Iβm frightened of elevators
Iβm taking steps to avoid them now
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
…
My life…
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, βAny person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.β
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
βDad, what do ballerinas wear?β
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
Thereβs no menu: You get what you deserve.
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But thatβs another storey.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
βSorry, my fault.β
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, βSome people just like to watch the world, Bern.β
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
My wife thinks I wonβt advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, βJust you wait.β
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks